When the Universe Screams At You...

The sound can be deafening when you are trying to sort something out and ask for guidance.  After another protracted conversation with my ex I was a little confused.  How did we get to the place where we were both so angry and frustrated with each other?  I tried to distract myself for a while and before I went to my old trusty source of information about all things relationships when I was younger.  Of course internet readings (those would be psychic readings) can be both silly and sometimes frighteningly accurate (the link may not work now so don't be mad at me if it's not lol).  The thing that stuck with me though is partially the answer to my question of how did we get to angry central.

The card in the center represents the present status or challenge of the relationship. Two of Tomes (De Vermis Mysteriis), when reversed: The erosion of power and influence. Failing to articulate goals or establish a vision for the future. Being caught off guard, due to an inability to come to grips with the impact of past decisions. Obstinate and irresponsible leadership. Loss of interest, clarity, or faith in a venture.

We both made decisions out of a belief that we were doing the right thing at that moment.  And while there are good things about dating someone like you the bad thing is sometimes your worst features get amplified like a sonic boom.  I have trouble apologizing or even sympathizing when I think what I did was for the best and that you were wrong.  I can't say that's how he feels but the conversation hit the same skip in record it always does.  Hurt feelings are hard to move beyond.  We were both waiting for the other to do something that yeah wasn't gonna happen.  The weird thing about me though is I'm super not a normal girly human.  When I shut emotions down I'm much more like my dad than my mom.  I get sullen and silent and withdraw.  I don't yell I don't scream I don't outwardly show anything that might even be mistaken as caring.  It's hard to date me as I result I know but I also don't make it a secret that that is how I will react to things.  I'm usually pretty direct about that too. This is partially why I always think I won't get married.  Dating a woman that thinks like a man is one thing.  Marrying one who isn't going to do the normal tantrum thing may drive someone slightly insane.

I ran errands and took along my trusty mood sensing Zune.  I'm sure you would love to have one of those, well maybe a mood sense Ipod but I'm a Zune gal.  And truthfully I have no idea how it taps into when I'm moody but it does.  Played all the right songs as I ran to the library, post office, a doctor's office and Burger King because at 3 in the morning all I desperately wanted was a Whopper.  But I refused to get dressed enough to go get it lol.  I love the Zune, I love the tracks that played and I'd love to have an empty house today but alas there's no hope of that.

Super Saturday Part 2

Today is usually pretty rough for me because I'm missing my dad a LOT.  Today is the 12th anniversary of his death and it was hitting me hard because I'm in transition right now and he was always such a great support when that was the case.  He'd be calling me by horribly embarrassing nickname that I will never ever repeat mostly because it was Asian and no one knows what it is but because that was our thing too.  I was admittedly moody as hell most of the day.  I woke up late, mom was annoying me even though it wasn't her fault, and I was really trying to figure out how to hide from the remaining hours in the day.  HOWEVER, running out to get the lottery tickets so she could prayerfully win the powerball, buy a house in Texas and mostly live there (oh if wishes were unicorns lol) actually jump started my day.  I came back mowed the front and back yard in between filling out her annual paperwork for another disability payment, showered cause I was a nasty sweaty damn near having an asthma attack mess when I came inside, watched youtube to figure out how to use our trimmer to do some edging tomorrow, ate dinner, watched the Knicks lose (YES!!!!) and now I'm chatting with you all. 

I also got some paperwork I needed to make sure that I actually HAVE a job in the fall.  I hate doing background checks because I'm always suddenly worried that when I'm asleep I secretly morph into another human that has a criminal background and still uses my SSN.  Ok that's pretty far fetched I know but you would be surprised how many places I've lived when people have sworn I was someone else they really know and love and get offended when I forget who they are like I really have a split personality and I'm the only one that doesn't know.  Not kidding on that one.  April was apparently a clone when I was living in Indiana before.  Never met her but she was awesome and adorable if she looked like me lol.  See I'm laughing that's a good thing.  And I talked to my brother and his munchkins--who I mostly understand but seriously we need small human translator phones.  I'd totally upgrade for that feature.

I also relaunched the poll in the last post and I'm going to include the code here too in case you somehow missed it.  The votes are split the way they were before but I think with new people voting lol.  Have a good one and if you like your dad hug him for me.  Unless he's dead in which case do not hug him just think of him and smile.

Super Saturday Part One

Hey everyone.  First let me thank you for voting on the previous poll for those that did.  Second let me tell you that thanks to weird settings with Blogger and it's polls that like the help forums said your votes can and did disappear.  That was frustrating but as I was digging another site was recommended to me so I'm relaunching the Gray Girl poll and it's much cuter if I do say so myself.  I'm also going to repost the photos so you know what each option represents and I even added an extra option if you have something you'd like to suggest that wasn't included in the four original lineup.

Sassy Gray

Ombre Ladies

Gray? Who's Gray?

To go gray or to fight it kicking and screaming

I've lamented here before about the rapidly gray onslaught my hair is facing.  I've had gray hair at this point longer than I haven't had gray hair.  My first appeared shortly after the start of puberty (around 12) and was nice enough not to bring lots of friends along until I was in my mid 20s.  I aggressively dyed it until about two years ago.  I was chocolate, chocolate cherry and eventually blowout burgundy thanks to L'oreal Feria, who make a great hair color I must say.  My hair color was always rich and lush and the conditioner was freaking amazing.  However, about two years ago I was about three weeks post relaxer and looked up to see the little gray army marching across my scalp like now what broad?  I'm sure you're wondering why would you worry three weeks post, surely your color was older than that.  Yeah no it wasn't.  We'd relax and then hit it with the permanent color and condition the mess out of my hair to make sure it didn't fall out of my scalp.  It would result in gorgeous color after my scalp stop reenacting Sherman's march across Georgia (for the non American readers he burnt a lot of Georgia along the way just cause).  It is the only hair color I tried that with and I wouldn't recommend anyone else do the same thing but the semi permanent colors would be pointless on my hair.  Within a few washes I'd be back to just plain old salt and cayenne pepper (well it was red) hair.

Happy Mother's Day

Spent the day with my mother and no one came up missing a limb or bleeding. It was actually a good day. Had chorizo quesadillas for breakfast. Watched tennis, fussed about Sloane Stephens, watched more tennis and Say Yes To the Dress: Atlanta--she loves Monty. Decided to make knock off Shiner Bock burgers which warranted a store run and while the recipe is relatively simple ingredient wise it was a little more time consuming than I thought. Anyhoo she loved it and we ate that, fries and watched La Voz Kids on Telemundo (yes it's in Spanish but she loves it). She just left me to go watch Revenge though, feeling abandoned ROFLMAO. Not really. Happy Mother's Day everyone.  Oh and if anyone wants the recipe here it goes.  Either enjoy Shiner Bock or find someone who is willing to drink what you don't use--you only need half a bottle of beer so keep that in mind.

 

Shiner Bock BBQ Sauce courtesy of Smokin Ronnie's BBQ website

Ingredients

* canned chipotle peppers in adobo
* 1/4 cup mushroom soy sauce
* 1 cup tomato paste
* 1/4 cup canned chicken broth
* 1/3 cup ketchup
* 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
* 1/2 Shiner Bock beer, bottled
* 3/4 cup malt syrup
* 1 1/2 cup water
* 1/3 cup minced garlic
* 1 tablespoon chili powder
* 1/8 cup onion powder
* 1 tablespoon black pepper
* 3 1/2 cup light brown sugar
* 1/2 tablespoon Kosher salt

1. Puree the chipotle in adobo mixture in a blender or food processor until smooth and place 1/4 cup of the can in a medium sauce pot.

2. Add all liquid ingredients to sauce pot and whisk to mix thoroughly.

3. Bring sauce to a very slow simmer.

4. Stir occasionally. Add minced garlic and all of the dry ingredients, whisk to mix thoroughly.

5. Simmer over low heat for 20 minutes, stirring every four to five minutes to ensure the sauce doesn't stick or burn to the bottom of the pot. 

Wash Day & Updates

So I didn't take any photos cause I was being lazy but let's start with the run down and I will share more if you ask.  I have been lazy prepooing since I don't have to be anywhere most days and that means I've been doing it MUCH longer than normal.  Remember before when I said my hair hates overnight prepoos?  Yeah apparently I forgot and while my hair soaked up the moisture like a sponge the back of my hair tangled like no body's business.  I know some of the hair loss was just natural shed hair since I wasn't manipulating my hair very much over the course of the week but there more knots than I like to see in my hair.  In what can only be counter intuitive for my hair I am going to have to keep my hair straighter and pin it up the further along in my stretch.  Either that or do what I saw on another blog recently and start investing in good wigs while my hair stays braided and protected underneath.  I've been thinking about that more with the impending move but I really have no idea how to pick a good wig so I'm going to have to ask for help and suggestions with that one the next time I see my stylist.  Anyhoo, after I detangled--made sure I sat down so I wouldn't just get impatient and tug until my hair fell out, I put some more conditioner on my ends and then just rolled it up on flexirods after I tied down my edges.  I think I can do a small or low bun for the next week or two but that means some youtube tutorials are in my future cause really I am totally not good at the styling part of taking care of my hair.  I can do simple things, and yes I know a bun is simple, but you're talking to someone whose hair hasn't been this long since like elementary school before the tragedy--don't ask, it wasn't that bad but my mother thinks it was.

This will probably be the shortest Mother's Day blurb EVER but have a great day to all the moms that stop by the blog, or moms in training or moms of the future.  Whenever I think of joining your ranks my own mother makes me go why on EARTH would you want to do that.  Today was no exception let's just be glad I bought all the gifts for her and my SIL earlier.

Thanks to the Blue Grumpster I'm going to make sure I update the pages that are along the top of the page.  Some things have happened that require updates to at least one of the pages--two or more I think but I can't be sure lol.  I'll also update the hair and weight loss sections too cause I've been slipping on those as well.  Have a good one everyone.  If you have any suggestions for tutorials or questions you want to ask, or wig stores I should check out just let me know.  Back to basketball and Shooter.

Weird Stuff

So yeah been having a busy few days. Well emotionally busy anyway.  I think I need to disconnect from some more networks longer than I did.  I was off of one of them most of the day yesterday and it felt better to just be in my head.  And I took a mommy break too which was helpful.  She seemed to get that I needed some space too which helped.  Everyone is right in that I need a more formal break but yeah it's hard to get one that won't put her in a bit of debt which I am trying to avoid in case she really does have to be on her own at some point in the future.  I don't really see that happening in most scenarios but I plan for the what ifs along with reality at the same time.   

I was offered a chance to teach one more class before I leave but I don't know if I'll take it or not.  It would force me to be here until the second week of July which wasn't my plan.  I don't want to be rushing towards unpacking right before my new job starts BUT I could use the check right before I leave.  It's very ill timed actually.  I don't want to be grading papers right before I either drive out or fly out either.  Even though the money from class could pay for tickets.  I'll think it over for the weekend and then let them know on Monday.  

Ego is Bruised and Battered and there are no cute bartenders in my house

I'm tired ladies (and gents--if you visit I'm not sure you do).  I did a quick run to the grocery store so I could start on my hair and haven't touched it since I got home.  Been hanging out on the net and watching tv and arguing about things I'm passionate about which led to a snippy comment from someone I really don't know well but given everything else that has happened today it was just enough to go ahead and shut me down. 

You all know, I think you do anyway, that my mother lives with me and has for almost a decade.  When I was on internship I got a frantic call from one of my aunts who said my mother was dying.  I was 28 years old and was confronted with the possibility that before I turned 29 both of my parents would be dead.  We lost my father in May of 2001 so in November of 2004 I was prepared to swear off all holidays and become a hermit.  I managed to make it home and find out that no she wasn't dying but she did have a pretty nasty brain tumor that had to be removed.  Surgery was fine, only one seizure--which is how we found out that she had the tumor in the first place--post surgery and possibility of full recovery.  Well physically she's mostly okay at this point.  She gets tired when she needs to walk too far and using the shopping cart to support her instead of a walker cause that would mean she was old.  Mentally and emotionally though totally different story.  She's my mother so while she drives me crazy I won't put her out but it has taken everything in me some days to not seriously consider her dropping her off at adult day care for a day or twelve.  She does inconsiderate things, flat out rude things and inconceivable things routinely and it has impacted our relationship of course but more than that it has strained her relationship with my brother and sister in law.  Mom doesn't work because of the memory issues she has had post surgery so they want her to visit the grandkids and mom is quite positive my sister in law is just this shy of satan so she refuses to go without me.  Granted I haven't been working lately but yeah kinda have to conserve funds for the move.  I'm sure you're wondering what this has to do with what happened today.  I was just trying to give you appropriate back story.