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September 25, 2015

Lessons Learned In Silence

So it's been a good long while since I posted something new.  I have been working out when my energy and brain matter allowed it.  My hair is back in twists and I'm considering putting in set three to get through October and November.  I need to do a massive cleaning and get the clothes I've collected over to Goodwill or the Women's shelter.  So yes I've been fine but still not quite fine in the same vein.

I just realized what I was struggling with over the last week or so.  I've been in the midst of an identity crisis as it were.  My life is sort of portioned out into sections.  There's work, there's fitness and well being which usually overlaps with hair, there's my relationships and then there's taking care of mom.  As I've traveled, lost weight, and making different kinds of inroads at work I realize just how much energy has been invested in maintaining those sections.  Now some of that is unnecessary as I know work and family could blend more than it does but I like my monkeys in different barrels.  And my health and wellness stuff is noticed by people at work so there's no way to hide it there anyhoo.  My relationships well that's different.  I live squarely in the Bible belt and anything that's a little bit different isn't tolerated super duper well so I'm not willing to explore too much openness there. 

Having said all of that the thing that matters most to my fitness is looking at myself and my body and giving myself permission to no longer be a Lane Bryant girl.  That may sound crazy but I remember the momentary psychological trauma that came when I could no longer shop in Lerner or NY&Co which used to be a sister store to Lane Bryant--maybe it still is but I haven't seen them in a while.  When I was out of the 12s and had to find pants that accommodate my rear end and belly and the like.  I mentioned my shock and awe when I went jean shopping because I had to abandon my 18s and 20s and thought it was time for a 16 but I had slid down into 14 without noticing.  Well I've been there for a while and I'm holding somewhere between 45 and 50 pounds down depending on the day.  As I was looking for a bra that one of the models I primarily know from LB had released as part of her own lingerie line I realized that I legitimately hadn't considered where I would be shopping for clothes when the 14s no longer fit.  LB doesn't stock 12s as best I can tell and my 12 is likely to still be curvier than Old Navy intends.  In that moment I realized that I was probably doing a little self sabotage in my efforts because while I am not at the weight I would like to be at for certain there is comfort in knowing I can walk into Lane Bryant and buy whatever I want with some fair bit of safety and assurance.  Healthy is the goal but the brain has to follow the body and I hadn't given myself permission to be smaller yet.

I'm working on that now though and I hope recognizing the issue will help.  How are all of you doing?

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