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August 30, 2020

I'm Struggling Right Now

There's never a good time for anyone to die.  Literally never.  But given the other million things that are going wrong right now, Chadwick Boseman's death is crushing me a bit more than I thought anyone's death might after Prince died.  You shouldn't assume that people you admire will always be there but that's what you do when you're a fan.  Y'all couldn't have ever told me Prince wouldn't be around to release my next favorite Prince song.  And you couldn't have told me someone who became a superhero for Black folks across the planet, and let's be honest quiet a few non Black folks too, wouldn't be around for the next opportunity to be a superhero again.  I'm hurt, like for real hurt.  And I'm going to say something in a minute that is gonna make y'all go--come on now sis.

One of my sorors and good friends asked tonight essentially why we are losing Chadwick when so much other fuckery is allowed to run unchecked and bad people continue to do worse things with no repercussions.  Where was God in all of this?  And that's where I got stuck.  This has been an ongoing struggle for me as of late.  Black folks are a praying folks.  We stay in church.  We tell folks to take it to God all the time.  Black folks in America don't universally have a connection to religion that may have been part of our heritage.  Our forced importation to be the free labor force for hundreds of effing years stripped us of language, history, memory, traditions and religion.  We're Christian because we were indoctrinated and part of that indoctrination was to keep us docile.  I hate most churches because they feel hella judgemental and nosy as hell sometimes too.  And right now, some Christians are the worst ambassadors of their faith.  I want to believe as fervently as other folks do but my brain goes but they keep using that to eff us over.  And I shouldn't question God theoretically but for real unless he's ready to light this one on up in a blaze of glory I am trying to figure out what the end game is here for people who continue to be oppressed for no other reason then they are readily visually identified as different.

Don't get me entirely wrong, my life is better than I probably deserve and I'm not struggling financially right now while a lot of people are but that doesn't account for why are all these other folks struggling.  The world is at a point of extreme wealth but also extreme wealth disparities.  Like I need it to make sense and depending on faith can't get me there right now.  It's not just this moment I promise.  This is an ongoing what in the hell man.

I'm going to try to go to sleep now cause I cannot process anymore.  Travel well Chadwick, I hope you are free of pain and with people who love you.

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