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July 14, 2013

Today had been such a good day

I haven't talked about George Zimmerman or Trayvon Martin on this blog at all I think.  I've mentioned elsewhere that I think what he did, Mr Zimmerman that is, was beyond the pale and could have been easily avoided.  However, given what was known of the crime, and no matter what the jury said tonight a crime was committed, I was pretty sure that he would have to face the music for what he did.  I was wrong in one sense.  There will be no jail term, no long days spent wishing he had made a different decision in a tiny cell amongst the other murderers and felons.  And I can't comment to how he feels about what he's done but what his family has shared on their own about the case makes me doubtful remorse of any kind will be publicly forthcoming.  That thought alone has kept me somewhat paralyzed for the last few hours.  Not just because of what happened to Trayvon, the grief the must be feeling as there will be no punishment for their son's death, or yet another shattering of the trust I place in the justice system.

I've seen many people say it wasn't about race but the tapes and insinuation and the ONE black friend make me doubtful that had Trayvon been Trent that things would have played out the same way.  For people with pigment it's hard to separate the racial implications from situations like this.  How a case is investigated and what follows seem to be tied to race, class and gender all of which some of us are on the wrong side of from time to time.  When my cousin who was barely a teenager sneaked out of the house to see his girlfriend the most the family expected him to get later on was grounded after a spanking and a good talking to.  So when daylight came and there was no sign of him that shaking of heads turned to wringing of hands.  Turns out that he had been gunned down overnight because they didn't recognize him in her neighborhood.  To this day, 20 years later, no one has been arrested and the police chalked it up to gang violence.  Except my barely a teenager cousin wasn't in a gang unless it was my oversized family.  He was doing what teenagers do but he was a smart boy who helped take care of his sister and was respectful of his mother and family.   For a split second my numbness wasn't about Trayvon, it was about the decades that have passed and nothing feeling equitable about the situation in either case.

Yes I know the case was presented and the jury didn't hear whatever it was they needed to hear to assign culpability.  But that's where I get confused as it wasn't Trayvon's gun.  He didn't try to rob George, he was walking home and that is where a lot of people are stuck right now.  We all know a Trayvon whether his name is Robert or David or Andre.  And we all recoiled at the thought that our Trayvon could be in a similar situation one day and because he was an unfamiliar brown face in a neighborhood that he may not make it to his home.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been stopped with and without my younger brother for no other discernible reason other than we were black.  No tickets, no warnings--verbal or otherwise, but always a request to search the car for such choice reasons as driving up the road to my college was a known drug route and a woman alone with a HUGE visible storage trunk fit the description AND we were tailgating another car because a cop was tailgating us.  And while I can more readily turn down the requests to search the car because I am female each and every time it happens part of me just hurts.

And that's where I am right now.  I just hurt.  The numbness has worn off and I'll start crying soon I'm sure.  Two words and six confirmations totally derailed the fact that we had a fantastic garage sale today.  Made five times what we took out for change to start the sale even after we treated ourselves to lunch and dinner.  Our new realtor worked her butt off digging around for us to find things out and was able to put in an offer for us today after losing out on the other house yesterday.  I got the prepoo in place and was relaxing after having a great salad when the verdict came in and I was just still.  I've finally washed my hair and I'm just waiting for it to dry enough to probably just tie down for the night.  I need to tend to the nails that were damaged in all the hustle and bustle and I will probably sleep really hard tonight.  I just wish it wasn't with such a heavy heart.

I thought about disabling comments and just letting this be a vent but that's not fair to you if you read all of this and have something to say.  Just know that this case brought up old hurts and renewed fears for me so I may be more reactionary than normal.


  1. I feel the same way! It made me think of the years that have passed since my older brother's murder (no arrests made & chalked up to gang violence). It made me think of my cousin whose body was found last month (arrest made after months of knowing though)... And other family members as well as folks I did not know... My heart is heavy and I cried and cried for some time last night as these thoughts went through my mind. I cried harder when I checked on my son (my Tre) who will grow to be at the disposal of the same system that I believe has failed yet another brown face family.... Even if you take race out... There was a crime committed, somebody is at fault.... Somebody is at fault. Thank you for this post.

    1. You are welcome. I needed to vent and I still am confused by their decision but I slept in for a change and that's a blessing for me right now. There is a reason both the murder took place and the jury decided as they did but it's so hard to separate and make logical sense of that right at this moment.