Nothing Profound Here

I have been on a much needed vacation and have done nothing seriously important since the 21st.  Between then and now I've gone on vacation, hugged my family so much that I'm sure they got tired of it, made peace with some things that needed burying, and have decided to try to strike a new accord with some old relationships.  Nothing may come of that BUT I'm okay with that as well.  Having another milestone birthday has given me a new wave of understanding of myself and what I'd like to be doing now and in the future.  And because I think she did it well, I'm stealing an idea from a sorority sister make this year amazing by saying yes to as many things and experiences as I can.  Life is too short to keep saying no to things out of fear or reluctance.  I've done a few of those as part of the vacation.  I don't really like big gatherings with folks I don't know but I engaged in two of them last week lol.  Those don't count as I didn't embrace them for what I could get out of them but I will explore and do my best.  And as of this afternoon, I got in workout 100 for the year.  I may go tomorrow before they close but I may just chill and do things for work since that starts again on Monday.  Have a happy New Year to each and every one of you.  Thanks for continuing to stick with me as I ebb and flow through this whole thing.  I'm off to find gray hair for the next braid or twist or what not phase.

In light of recent events

This post will be a detour from the rest.  I had planned to do a birthday recap because I just crossed a new birthday milestone and the semester is finally really over and after noon tomorrow I get my life back in theory for a few weeks as I prep for the spring semester and work for something else.  But you know what they say about God laughing at us when we go making plans.  Friday afternoon I got a call from a sorority sister that I love but we don't speak often really.  I didn't immediately think something bad had happened until I got her text message a few moments later and then called her back.  I'm not sure how many of you know that I'm in a sorority or why this would matter but I became a Delta in 2004.  Well before that moment I stumbled upon a website so many aspiring Deltas did at that moment and have in the interim, The DeltaNet.  The owner was a long time Delta who wanted to provide some honest resources for folks who were like myself.  But the majority of the site was for members and while it stayed that way no one really seemed to care.  When there became a private area for the non members all hell broke loose and the owner, Bonita Jackson Butler, was suspended for a while.  She was suspended when I crossed and didn't come to my initiation but sent me the best gifts because in the five years I had gotten to know her she was one of the most trusted people in my little Delta world.  Even though there were ebbs and flows in our relationship over the last ten years she was still one of the few people programmed in my phone under the Soror tag.  She and others had told me at the time I crossed that every Soror is a Delta but every Delta is not YOUR soror and people had borne that out many a time since then but not her.  If she agreed with me or didn't she was always clear about it and it didn't impact our relationship.

So moving back to Friday and the unexpected phone call.  I was made aware that Beejae had died in her sleep the night before.  If there had been alcohol nearby I would have had a drink but I was in my office working on grades and had to mentally take a break.  She had recently had a few health issues recently but nothing that she should have died from.  She was very much so missing her mother who had died earlier this year but she was enjoying life with her husband and just seemed to be on the road to happily ever after.  I worked all of yesterday because I had to but now that the work is done and I am back to processing life I'm hurt again for her, for her husband and for all the people that genuinely loved her or were the benefactors of her love.

I just watched an episode of Say Yes To the Dress where mom and daughter were in conflict about a wedding dress purchase.  Both of them clearly loved each other and eventually came to an agreement and I was a teary eyed mess.  Which made me think about my own mother.  I love her and I'm sure she loves me as well.  But I have never had the kind of relationship with her that Beejae had with her mom or others seem to have with their mothers--well those with healthy mom relationships.  From tying her shoelaces because she didn't (still doesn't really) know how to making dinner to giving up activities to take care of my brother, I have always felt less like her child than another parent in the house.  My brother would tell you I raised him.  There was a point in time that they hadn't seen my mother's signature on things for so long (because I was told to just sign stuff myself not because I was a horrible child lol) that the one day she insisted on writing me a note for school they called because they thought I had forged it.  She didn't hurt us.  We weren't neglected or physically abused ever.  Mentally her jabs weren't conscious attempts to wound us she was just lashing out because we didn't appear to be siding with her instead of our father when it came to whatever she was upset about.  When she is no longer with us it will hurt just like it did when dad died.  I am just wondering if I'll understand what other folks are going through who clearly get upset when I talk about my relationship with mom as they mourn their own mothers.

I can't say that I will for certain, no one knows how that will go I understand but I do know that right now my heart is heavy because I lost another woman that I respected and whom appeared to embrace those she really cared about with her entire heart.  No strings attached just room for you if you chose to take it.  I know this is part of life.  It's a part that sucks though.  I will be back later this week full of cheer cause my nieces are making me giggle.  If not then let me wish you all a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Festive Kwanzaa, Festivus for the rest of us, or just a good day if you don't celebrate a thing.

Fifty Million Shades of Gray

I promise this isn't a post about that horrific book and from what I hear that mildly but not really sexual movie.  So I got my hair twisted.  As usual it's a godsend.  Somewhat atypical I am doing a better job of using the moisturizing spray and leave in conditioner on the length of my hair like Gina Marie mentioned in a video not too long ago.  Now that I have recommitted to getting my 100 workouts in this year, not having to toy with my hair is much appreciated.  I am six away from that for those who are wondering.  But as is also usual the gray hair that stays mostly hidden for a week or so is like yeah chick I'm back.  I know it's not likely that the braid shop keeps it in stock and not wanting them to order a bunch just for me I went looking for gray braiding hair.  Go figure that was trendy this year for some reason.  Edgy and different to purposely dye your hair gray instead of letting nature do it to you slowly over a prolonged period of time I get it.  I think it's weird but I get it lol.  There seem to be no shortage of braiding hair brands and options online.  I know what I'm Looking for in terms of color but what I'm finding is there is no standard gray.

There's a gray and black ombre.  If the color pattern was flipped it might be okay but not my favorite look.

There's what looks to be a medium gray as well but it seems too dark for my hair which is closer to white than a straight gray.

There is also a mix but I can only find that on Amazon and one local store and the hair felt like crap so I left it there.  The look is cute on the blogger (SimplyGorgeousNic) that I saw but the hair isn't local.  Random aside: as I went to check out the blog to properly give her credit she's raving about the hair so I trolled a few videos and found it at BNG hair.  I may have completed my search, we'll see.

And then there's just plain old white which seems way too drastic for my hair and face even though my hair has begun to abandon all pigment like an evil little color sucking troll camped out and went to town.

Blah, all in an effort to blend my hair into the braids better I'm on the great gray braiding hair hunt.  Here's a photo of me shortly after they were installed.

And one from a few days ago I think.

It was clearly sloppy pull back day.  But it works and I like them so much more than the last time I had them done. I greatly appreciate one of the stylists well not two in the shop that do my hair because they pay attention and they work quickly without being weird or eating in my ear---I seriously cannot explain how much I seriously hate that.

So what do you think of gray/silver/white braids?  I'm excited about the possibility even though I think it will just confuse people more.  The woman at the braid shop thought I wanted the silver hair to be cute until she saw my damn near white hair and said my hair doesn't match my face and I look much younger.  I'll take it, especially less than a week from my next birthday but the gray hair has been my friend since I was twelve, so a long damn time lol.

Wash Day Sort Of & Reviews

I shouldn't say sort of.  I did wash my hair today.  I didn't take my hair down on Monday night as planned because I wasn't going to get my hair cut until tomorrow.  Plus there was no time to sort out what to do with my hair while I still got two workouts in before the holiday.  I took it down last night, well I started out right after I finished running around but because they were so small it took me almost six hours to wrap that process up, but was so tired that all I did was did a brief fluffing out and then went to bed.  I noted a few spots that were knotted but nothing that couldn't be addressed after some conditioning.

I woke up this morning and grabbed almost ever deep conditioning mask and treatment I had (Dr. Miracle's, Moroccan Oil, It's a 10 and an Organix blend) and took some time to fully cover my hair.  Then I did my first really good detangle and covered my hair with a plastic cap and the Hot Headz (I think that's the name, don't hold me to it) cloth cover and went about my day.  I cooked breakfast and the turkey for lunch/dinner, almost took a nap and then had my only two meals of the day thus far.  Then I figured I should wash this out because I wasn't sure how long this was going to take to wrap up.  My hair felt like it was okay but I detangled again just to be safe.  I washed it out and felt a little place where it could mat if I wasn't careful but fingered it loose and then went for the post poo deep conditioner which in this case was just Shea Moisture Deep Treatment Masque and a store freebie that I can't remember lol.  I only left it in for like an hour and washed it out in the sink to hopefully prevent any kind of post love matting.  I finger detangled until I put in my leave ins following the LOC method with an added bonus of an Aveda Smooth Infusion treatment to help the hair straighten.  And then I fired up my new hairdryer.

I will say I had massive reservations about how this dryer would hold up with all of the poof that was my almost five month and change post relaxer hair.  I knew it was more powerful than my other one which was supposed to mean it would dry faster but yeah life could super suck if the comb attachment and dryer didn't live up to its billing.  This was the only time ever that my hair felt like butter when a dryer hit it.  It worked quickly and really just made the entire process super easy.  I had to stop for a while because my other dryer I could hold like a big brush versus this one.  But the comb and dryer moved through all of the poofiness with not a bit of trouble.  I stopped short of flat ironing it since I'm going to have it trimmed tomorrow and her flat iron skills far exceed my own.  I'm going to tie it down at the gym tomorrow morning if I can wake up on time.  Hair appointment at 2 and then new photo when I'm not quite looking homeless.  I don't now just like dang have you EVER put a relaxer on your hair.  Now onto the reviews.

New Products: I have used Shea Moisture products before and my hair super duper did not like them.  I was hesitant to buy them as part of my transition but Carol's Daughter discontinued their transitioning line and Shea Moisture was recommended as a good alternative both online and by my old stylist (hey Keshia).  First it took a while for it to lather but when it did my hair felt clean and fresh and a few finger curls through stopped any major issues.  After I figured out how to open the conditioner it worked equally well and I probably could have stopped with the two of them but I added parts of my old staples just to keep it balanced with protein and moisture.  I will give a total thumbs up to the Raw Shea Butter and Argan Oil product line (I didn't purchase this kit because it's not available in the store but it shows you all the products I used except the finishing elixir which they didn't have in the store).  Maybe they aren't great for super straight hair but for hair in need of some love and moisture they were well appreciated.  For those of you that like numbers better 9/10, I do like more lather but it seems to do the job well so far.

New Dryer:  Hot Tools Professional Tourmaline Tools 2000 Turbo Ionic Dryer.  I played with about 6 dryers of varying price points before I went with this one and I'll admit a large portion of what I made my final decision on was that was red lol.  I was worried because when I have purchased dryers like this in the past the comb attachments weren't sturdy enough to handle the thickness of my hair.  They frequently broke and just left me irritated about finding a replacement.  My Gold N Hot was a god send when I found it but really after almost abandoning heat altogether over the last few years I hadn't noticed how ineffective it had become in working through my hair.  So yes it was time but no I wasn't confident.  As I mentioned earlier though it was amazing.  Watching the heat shift smoothly along with the fan speed was new.  On full blast though it would fry my hair so medium to high heat and no more than medium speed and I had dry soft poofy hair in a fraction of the time it would take with my old dryer.  I'd say really like half the time and that was with my old dryer being on bake your skull heat.  I highly recommend it especially if it keeps holding up with the wash days as the hair gets less and less relaxed.  Plus it's on sale right now and if you get it at Ulta (the link directs you there) then you can get a free styling tool with it and not the cheap stuff they are trying to get rid of either.  I got a 1 inch barrel curling iron (in purple no less lol) that was normally 52.99 for free.  So yeah it was 70 bucks but I got both products for 35 at that point plus the random coupons that Ulta gives out lol.  Thumbs up here as well.  For those of you that like numbers better 9.5/10--there's a knock on comfortability in the hold but it's good.  I'm pretty sure the Ulta model is missing the focused blow attachment but I wouldn't use that one on my hair so it wasn't a major loss that it wasn't in the box.  EDIT my box has all the attachments--I still won't be using the focused blower lol.

UPDATE: So I went in and got my trim today and the flat iron is so randomly foreign to me now that the smell of my hair is slightly maddening.  Regardless it wasn't as traumatic to do as I thought it might be so I'm going to just let the hair grow out slowly under a series of twists, braids, weaves and what not.  Here are updates of my barely neck length hair that will be hidden again in a few days.  Made it to the gym before the trim too--yippee!

Hair and all it's weirdness

So I'm sure some of you are wondering what decision I made and truthfully I'm still dancing back and forth a bit.  I'm taking down my hair tomorrow after work and the gym more than likely.  I would have done it tonight but it snowed and the braids provide a little more heat on my sure to be cold if completely exposed head.  And after tomorrow's grocery store run my plan is to be a hermit unless  I can make an appointment for a trim before the holiday.  If it's easy enough to deal with then I will just head into a long term transition.  It's easier to do when I kind of didn't have to fight to make that decision in the first place thanks to wearing the twists since July.  If it's a hot mess where the textures meet I'll just chop it off and enjoy being curly until I can put it back into a protective style.  I'll get at least a trim either way.  My mother is totally not on board with the whole thing and thinks relaxing is just what I should keep doing until I die.  My ex and the guy I'm seeing are questioning the whole process but understand the desire to have healthy hair.  Both are in favor of protective styling especially if I whack it off.  I'll either update this post or start a new one later this week with the ultimate decision.  Thanks to everyone for their feedback and encouragement.  I haven't seen my super curly hair in so long I have no idea what it will look like.  On another note, last week was super not good for the gym or anything dealing with the life of raising my mother BUT there's always hope for the future so here's to this week being better.  Plus my boo won the year end championships in 81 minutes after spanking Nadal yesterday (6-3, 6-3) in about the same amount of time and Federer today (6-3, 6-4).  I was actually able to watch a large chunk of it instead of being stressed out like when they typically play.  Novak was putting on a clinic.  It was amazing.  And I got to see Little Shop of Horrors again lol.  Good day.

Updates and Apologies..again

Howdy all,

not sure who is still stopping by because I have been lackluster at best at updating this blog as of late but I did want to pop in today to share a few new things.  For one I am back on track with my trainer.  While I will mourn FitOrbit's easy to use platform, things have mostly transitioned well with my trainer Elizabeth on the new platform (TotalCoaching).  Much like FitOrbit you have to find the right person and price point for you.  The TotalCoaching app is actually working and while on my phone I can't log my meals super easily (or at all--if you know how to do this let me know lol) tracking the workouts is super easy and it has animated videos for 99 percent of them so that if I was confused on how an exercise should look I don't have to waste time searching on youtube to figure out what my body should be doing.  That doesn't mean I nail them all but I'm trying.  I was pretty good on food but getting better there.  And the last two weeks I actually made it to the gym three and four times respectively.  It feels great when I'm there even though my weight is going up and down.  I am consistently forty pounds down but there's a weird flux of those other ten pounds I shed that may just have been lax gym time.  Who knows but I am working on getting it all back off again.  Odder still, even though my scale and I are perpetually fighting my clothes and I are doing another tango.  There are days when all of my size 14 things feel too flipping big and then a day or so later things are good to go again.  And then the size 8/10 workout pants I bought to prep for the winter shed (none of the workout pants I like are actually available mid winter when I might be losing weight so I bought them early) legitimately fit and aren't snug.  It's seriously bizarre in my closet right now.

So now that you have been thoroughly brought up to date here's something else I've been debating.  As I noted in my last post I haven't relaxed since the end of June and my nifty Senegalese twists are making it so that I mostly don't care about that.  Which led me to think maybe I'm super done with the relaxer movement right now.  My hair loves me and I've been mean to it lol.  My stylist before the move kept encouraging me to go natural because my new growth was cute curly, I imagine like my nieces' hair because I never paid much attention to her and just encouraged the new dose of creamy crack .  When I take these down I'll be around 20 or 22 weeks post I think and I can either relax and see what my hair looks like nearly half a year with no relaxer, I can texlax but that's not high on my list, or I can commit to transitioning at this stage.  I am leaning towards the later to be honest.  There has been some sort of chemical on my hair since I was 11 and I would like to see if my hair can get past my shoulders again and be healthy.  No one seems to have a major issue with that, because of course I have asked many a friend and family member about that.  The issue, if there is one, is if I should just cut off the relaxed hair and start fresh--still protective styling with twists or something--or if I should just learn how to do the two step hair dance.  There are pros and cons to each for me so I would love to know your thoughts about moving out of the relaxer phase of my life.  Since I've embraced all of this change and wellness and new experiences for my life prior to turning 40, this seems like it could be another positive change but I'm of course anxious and wondering what to do first.

So if you've made it this far, I'm going to ask for your thoughts in the comments but also include a poll if I can figure out how to put it back in here lol.  Hope all is well with you and as life begins to slow down I will try to get back here more often.

You can vote once a day if you really want to lol and you can pick more than one answer during each vote.

What should I do with my hair?

Keep relaxing with the long stretches

Keep relaxing but don't stretch past 16 weeks

Nix the relaxer and chop it off

Nix the relaxer and grow it out first

Something else entirely

Poll Maker

Updates

Okay everyone.  I realized I haven't updated things in a while.  My last relaxer was in June not April lol.  It was a few weeks before my trip to Amsterdam because I got my hair twisted before I left.  The workout count is SHOT.  I won't try to fix that right now but I will keep a count some kind of way for the workouts till the end of the year.  FitOrbit which I loved so much has gone kaput but my trainer and I are still working together through Total Coaching now.  We'll see how this platform compares as my new plan starts tomorrow.  I am over my not sure I want to be smaller thing as well.  So life is okay.  My last hair detangling process was more complicated than I wanted it to be but it was because I left my hair up much longer than it should have been.  These will be out at the latest by mid November.  I'll relax my hair then OR whack off everything but the new growth.  There's lots of it, really lots of it.  How goes things with you all?

Lessons Learned In Silence

So it's been a good long while since I posted something new.  I have been working out when my energy and brain matter allowed it.  My hair is back in twists and I'm considering putting in set three to get through October and November.  I need to do a massive cleaning and get the clothes I've collected over to Goodwill or the Women's shelter.  So yes I've been fine but still not quite fine in the same vein.

I just realized what I was struggling with over the last week or so.  I've been in the midst of an identity crisis as it were.  My life is sort of portioned out into sections.  There's work, there's fitness and well being which usually overlaps with hair, there's my relationships and then there's taking care of mom.  As I've traveled, lost weight, and making different kinds of inroads at work I realize just how much energy has been invested in maintaining those sections.  Now some of that is unnecessary as I know work and family could blend more than it does but I like my monkeys in different barrels.  And my health and wellness stuff is noticed by people at work so there's no way to hide it there anyhoo.  My relationships well that's different.  I live squarely in the Bible belt and anything that's a little bit different isn't tolerated super duper well so I'm not willing to explore too much openness there. 

Having said all of that the thing that matters most to my fitness is looking at myself and my body and giving myself permission to no longer be a Lane Bryant girl.  That may sound crazy but I remember the momentary psychological trauma that came when I could no longer shop in Lerner or NY&Co which used to be a sister store to Lane Bryant--maybe it still is but I haven't seen them in a while.  When I was out of the 12s and had to find pants that accommodate my rear end and belly and the like.  I mentioned my shock and awe when I went jean shopping because I had to abandon my 18s and 20s and thought it was time for a 16 but I had slid down into 14 without noticing.  Well I've been there for a while and I'm holding somewhere between 45 and 50 pounds down depending on the day.  As I was looking for a bra that one of the models I primarily know from LB had released as part of her own lingerie line I realized that I legitimately hadn't considered where I would be shopping for clothes when the 14s no longer fit.  LB doesn't stock 12s as best I can tell and my 12 is likely to still be curvier than Old Navy intends.  In that moment I realized that I was probably doing a little self sabotage in my efforts because while I am not at the weight I would like to be at for certain there is comfort in knowing I can walk into Lane Bryant and buy whatever I want with some fair bit of safety and assurance.  Healthy is the goal but the brain has to follow the body and I hadn't given myself permission to be smaller yet.

I'm working on that now though and I hope recognizing the issue will help.  How are all of you doing?