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April 5, 2013

Late night meandering of my very sad brain

God I really hate when I smile sometimes.  I turn into a Blasian girl with no open eyes whatsoever.  Anyway this is what my hair looked like after I took it down from the flexi-rods.  I parted it a bit more than normal and then just finger combed it out.  After a week of stalling I think I'm going to take the job that was offered so I'll be moving sometime over the next few months I guess.  I made a pro and con list and seriously they were dead even really but waiting here hoping one of the other teaching positions comes through seems silly.  If I move when  I think I will I would have been here eight years.  That was partially because I thought I would be teaching another class that got pulled from my schedule at some point yesterday which I seriously wouldn't have minded but my class that just ended saw their upcoming schedule with me on it and will be asking me what happened.  Which I really can't tell them more than I know.  Classes were merged and I was low man on the totem pole.  So I could leave earlier I guess it really just depends on how long it takes me to find a place that I can afford and has enough space for me and mom.

I'm in a funk about leaving though.  I have really good friends and things aren't really spread out and as is my nature I love the kids I've been teaching the last six months since I've had them in a rush.  It was time for this chapter to end I know there's not a lot for me to do save go into private practice which can be feast or famine and even the one interview I had with that hasn't panned out into anything substantial.  And honestly I'm scared.  What if I'm only good at teaching because it's five weeks and not a full semester?  What if I suck when left to my own devices?  What if I hate the area after I get there?  What if that whole missing my family thing sucks more than I think it will?  I mean I miss them desperately now as it is.  And right now I'm really missing my dad.  No move will take care of that but this kind of decision is something I would talk over with him and he would give me great advice and I would take it and everything would be okay.  I haven't been able to have those discussions since 2001 and mom just says do whatever will make you happy and I guess that's the other issue.  Lots of things are making me happy but nothing is keeping me that way.  I'm tired and moody and stressed and afraid and scatter brained.  I jump from job searching to cooking to crocheting (which I haven't picked up since the first night) to working out to adoption.  All of those have given me moments of joy and then I'm back in the valley.  

I incorrectly assumed my life would be about more than work and my hair and trying to shed weight in my late thirties and that's also depressing as hell.  I know it will get better.  Some time after we finish negotiating I'll be happy to see friends.  Figure out how to see my brother before I get moved or after I get settled.  I already know what I need to do to get licensed even though I can't do anything with that until I get there because I can only do part of it in the state.  I wish I was excited.  I think I was excited when I took the job out of internship.  Not about the area so much but about the possibilities.  And I guess those intrigue me now from a different end of the professional spectrum but nearly a decade after the start of my internship I don't feel anymore settled in my professional identity as I did before I got there.

I just feel out of sorts and as such the diet and workout crashed and burned this week.  I'm used to two weeks or longer for job offers to be made and I really have been wanting to get back closer to family.  Those jobs haven't been interested in me the same way I've been interested in them so I guess that means it's not time to be there yet.  I really wish that wasn't the case but a golden opportunity has been handed to me and I really shouldn't keep looking at it like it's trying to bite me in the proverbial butt.  I need to get some where and start my research up again.  I need to really see if my teaching philosophy plays out with traditional age, campus based students.  I need to see if I really can be an asset to a campus when I'm not tethered to a clock in the same way.  I know this can be a good thing I just need to get on with the letting go.

On the upsides: McAfee tech support was free and friendly and surprisingly helpful today.  Took about twenty minutes and a reinstall of the software that started bugging after an update but all is good now.  I watched Snow White and the Hunstman which was better than I thought it would be.  Kristen Stewart almost felt like an afterthought cause she really didn't get to talk all that much.  I'm guessing that will be different in part two since its underway.  Chris Hemsworth oh he's just delicious and Charlize Theron was great as the Evil Queen.  I saw Sparkle a few nights ago, don't know if I mentioned that or not, it has no resemblance to the original movie short of the number of main characters--and that's mostly--and the songs felt decidedly different but the two at the end were quite good.  I used my freegal downloads from the library for those.  If your library has freegal use it.  It's great.

At least my hair is cute lol.  See ya later.


  1. Laughing at the first two statements!! I take tons of shots of my face just to pick out one, which to me, seems best.lol

    1. I did the same thing. The issue is when I don't smile as big you can see my eyes but I look cranky and/or drunk lol which isn't much better than my eyes totally disappearing. I have four close up shots for this and my eyes are MIA in three of them and let's just not discuss the fourth.