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May 20, 2013

When the Universe Screams At You...

The sound can be deafening when you are trying to sort something out and ask for guidance.  After another protracted conversation with my ex I was a little confused.  How did we get to the place where we were both so angry and frustrated with each other?  I tried to distract myself for a while and before I went to my old trusty source of information about all things relationships when I was younger.  Of course internet readings (those would be psychic readings) can be both silly and sometimes frighteningly accurate (the link may not work now so don't be mad at me if it's not lol).  The thing that stuck with me though is partially the answer to my question of how did we get to angry central.

The card in the center represents the present status or challenge of the relationship. Two of Tomes (De Vermis Mysteriis), when reversed: The erosion of power and influence. Failing to articulate goals or establish a vision for the future. Being caught off guard, due to an inability to come to grips with the impact of past decisions. Obstinate and irresponsible leadership. Loss of interest, clarity, or faith in a venture.

We both made decisions out of a belief that we were doing the right thing at that moment.  And while there are good things about dating someone like you the bad thing is sometimes your worst features get amplified like a sonic boom.  I have trouble apologizing or even sympathizing when I think what I did was for the best and that you were wrong.  I can't say that's how he feels but the conversation hit the same skip in record it always does.  Hurt feelings are hard to move beyond.  We were both waiting for the other to do something that yeah wasn't gonna happen.  The weird thing about me though is I'm super not a normal girly human.  When I shut emotions down I'm much more like my dad than my mom.  I get sullen and silent and withdraw.  I don't yell I don't scream I don't outwardly show anything that might even be mistaken as caring.  It's hard to date me as I result I know but I also don't make it a secret that that is how I will react to things.  I'm usually pretty direct about that too. This is partially why I always think I won't get married.  Dating a woman that thinks like a man is one thing.  Marrying one who isn't going to do the normal tantrum thing may drive someone slightly insane.

I ran errands and took along my trusty mood sensing Zune.  I'm sure you would love to have one of those, well maybe a mood sense Ipod but I'm a Zune gal.  And truthfully I have no idea how it taps into when I'm moody but it does.  Played all the right songs as I ran to the library, post office, a doctor's office and Burger King because at 3 in the morning all I desperately wanted was a Whopper.  But I refused to get dressed enough to go get it lol.  I love the Zune, I love the tracks that played and I'd love to have an empty house today but alas there's no hope of that.

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