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August 15, 2012

No Creamy Crack for Me (Yet) & Relationships are Weird

My hair still feels okay right now so I'm thinking I'll keep stretching.  I know I haven't hit my 13th full week post but my brain isn't doing the panicked please get thee to the hairdresser thing.  Which is good because the rest of my life is feeling funky.  I'll get to that in a second.  Let me first commend Walgreens (and thank Gina at My Own Beautician again) for shipping my products in record time.  Everything but the Macadamia Oil shampoo got here today, well packaged, no spills and ready for me to dive into.  Which is good because I'm still slacking on the moisturizing and sealing (which thanks to someone @ KISS I finally REALLY understand and don't just nod like a stupid child when I see the term).  My hair likes moisture and I should stop ignoring that.  I have two new what I consider scalp moisturizers that I need to get used to running the length of my hair too and two new oils as well as a curly setting lotion from Shea Moisture.  Everything else is Organix which next to Moroccan Oil is my favorite product line.  Ahh well I can do better with the hair thing I just need to do better.  Now if you don't want to see whining and complaining under the guise of introspective thought run now.  You've been warned.

On to the other thing.  Not sure if my Zune is really tapped into my brain stem but when I'm feeling moody it plays moody music.  And tonight the PERFECT song came on as I was coerced to go out and grab Zaxby's for my permanent roommate, also known as mom.  You'll have to be of a certain age to remember this song so I'll see if I can find a youtube clip for those that aren't of that age.  Patti LaBelle and Michael McDonald's classic song On My Own started playing and my brain went YES this is it.  I really do care about my boyfriend.  I have for years.  He made things seem possible that I had mostly given up on.  But his life before me keeps crashing into the life that could be.  And unfortunately because of the nature of it there's not likely to be a resolution that all of us are happy with which sucks big monkey balls (yes I know I say that a lot). I'm a realist as well which doesn't help that endless hope that things will work out too.  I don't have that gene as part of my girl DNA.  Well I do but it seems to have a shelf life and once it expires in a relationship it's almost impossible for me to get it back.  It's frustrating because as I was talking to a friend last night I realized I'm making MUCH better dating decisions than I did in undergrad and during my master's program.

After a four year relationship from HS to middle of undergrad I just decided to date like a man.  In other words I really wasn't dating.  I was having longish semi monogamous relationships with people as I saw fit.  And because I wasn't doing the puppy dog eye thing I was interesting to people that I didn't quite expect but they were pretty and arrogant and intelligent so I had a blast for a long time.  Every now and then I'd consider the possibility that one of them could be more but I was attracting men who were in a similar head space that I was and marriage wasn't quite on the radar--at least not to me.  Several did get married shortly after (six months to two years) we split up but ahh here's the rub.  It's hard to turn a hoe into a housewife (per Luda) and it's even harder for the man doing the hoeing to be faithful to their housewife.  I've seen them all post marriage.  Could have slept with all of them, only slipped up with one of them but he did have my number if that makes sense--it's hard dating a male version of you lol.  I'm sure you're wondering why did she share all of this. 

Well, my decision making is much better.  I know why I dated the men in question and why I'm dating the person I am now and the one right before him.  Yes we all know about "Daddy issues" and mine were complicated.  Dad was great with us as his kids but he and marriage didn't work out very well, none lasted more than 10 years and he was married a few times (count four).  He was funny, intelligent, made me feel like any and everything was possible and subconsciously taught me that men would likely be emotionally unavailable and probably come with a child or two in tow.  If could give you a rundown of my exes without outing them (even though a few would enjoy that lol) you'd see the best and worst of my dad.  About seven years ago, a few years after my dad died unexpectedly, I learned that what I had been searching for was safety and someone that made me feel like everything was possible.  I've found that recently and I'm happy about that but it didn't make the relationships less complicated.  Previous relationship ended because someone was deployed and reupped without talking it over with me while being recruited for the Rangers.  If you have military background you know Rangers can disappear and the military will not tell you anything if they can avoid it.  Two years of increasingly limited contact because of his job killed that relationship which sucked cause he had a huge family and a cute daughter and it seemed like I had hit the Resolved Daddy Issues jackpot.  Current relationship had kids too, love kids not a huge deal, safety was a check, possible things were all over the place but his life kept smacking into our relationship in ways that runs it off the rails. 

I'm 36 and will be 37 in a few months.  I still want to believe that anything is possible and that someone can make me smile while we lay on the sofa and watch cartoons while he plays in my hair.  I'm not jaded, I'm just sad.  And I'm a little upset with myself that I only seem to have two speeds--dating like a man or in for the long haul.  Dating like a man took up six years of my life.  Long haul=2 years plus 4 plus 3 plus 4=13.  19 years of my 36 in only two directions.  Casual dating seems to bug me.  Men seem to either become intimidated by the extra letters after my name or are trying to have sex fast enough to break light speed--not appealing guys if you're reading this.  I still want the fairytale, or my version of it, but I feel like I've been better but not good enough with how I date and that men well men are kinda stupid sometimes lol.  I'm a simple girl, don't need a lot but in 36 years almost 37 I haven't quite figured it out and neither have they.


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